Life being like the ocean, murky and unclear at times until we swim to another spot in perhaps another part of the world and things become clear with the light of the sun shining through the glassy surface that is always close at hand but yet so far away. Where has 2011 gone and better yet where did it begin? A year filled with strange weather, crazy end of the world theorists and of course the 99 percent still prevailing in a world that can't stop piling on what the cows prepare for us after a quick bathroom trip in the far reaching field. College might be a distant thought now but the loans are still around to remind us that our past does not end when we say it does.
Some say that 2012 marks the end of the Mayan calender which may result in catastrophic events, others say that it will be the beginning of a positive reformation for humanity and earth. I say that those of us living in New York City know that we have dealt with much worse and much better on a typical day in the city that never sleeps. Why do you think there is a song called "In a New York Minute", because a minute in New York is like a life time in any other part of the world. Maybe that is why so many people move here so that they are able to experience life as a proverbial cat, experiencing nine lives instead of one. The lights move outside, crawling into a black velvet distance holding an unreachable grasp into the future making things new and constantly changing.
Over the past year me and my friends have experienced a whirlwind of love, heartbreak, misunderstandings, financial distress, job searches, and a constant need to find a place that we can call home. Whether it be a literal place to rest our head or a place in someones heart that is able to understand who we really are and not duck for cover. Some times I hate the city and I feel like my breath is being held at a distance from me like a carrot dangling in front of a horse. It is not easy to live here but the challenge is part of what keeps me here because one of my biggest fears is to know that I did not try my hardest to live an interesting and ever changing life that is a constant journey to live up to my full potential by experiencing love, knowledge, desire and fear on every New York street corner because no corner is ever the same. There is always an undiscovered nook in the city even though the island is so small, which proves that the next time you turn around you might meet your future head on, and in New York we don't freeze or run in the face of change, we greet it with a pensive smile and a cappuccino.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Well it looks like I have been woken up at 6am by the good ole human alarm clock, better known as the dream or in this case the nightmare. Long story short, and I mean long and vividly perceptively painful and perplexing; I had a dream that I was on a above ground subway train that was on a college campus, the train was filled with people my age and there was a dangerous storm brewing outside. I looked out the window and saw a train that started derailing off the tracks and falling into the frozen river below, I just kept thinking that it couldn't be the train I was on until all of a sudden I felt my car falling and my heart dropped into my stomach. When it fell into the water, for some reason it started floating and didn't sink, but we were all trapped in this expansive body of water and couldn't get to land even though it looked so close. All of a sudden a bunch of us were outside of the train and in the water but not wet and two giant egg shaped pods floated over to us. Everyone looked scared and they were all telling my ex-boyfriend not to open them. When the pods opened, inside sat a giant Christmas dwarf that had frozen to death and it's eyes were still open with a dead stare. My ex told me that it was crucial that I climb in so that we could all get through this, so I obeyed reluctantly. As I sat there feeling lost and cold, the dwarf started talking to me to calm me down which made me feel better, but then he told me I had to get off at another section of the train that was still floating in the water. As I entered the new terrain I started feeling scared again and saw my ex from far away helping other people, eventually he made his way over to me, I felt the temperature drop the closer he got to me. I kept nervously shifting around a lot wondering why the wind had suddenly stopped and the train wasn't sinking. Although I felt I had been given another chance at life, I still felt an impending doom approaching. All of a sudden I grabbed my ex and started hugging him hanging on for dear life, he started to let go and looked into my eyes like he was about to cry and told me everything was going to by OK, but that he had to go help other people. I didn't believe him even though I told him I understood, however I felt better for a short period of time.
Two co-workers appeared that were friends with my ex and they were also married. I saw them calmly holding hands and complacently staring at what was going on around them, they smiled at me as if nothing was happening. I glanced up at the sky and noticed layer upon layer of dark clouds quickly multiplying. I started telling people they had to go back in the train car or they were probably going to get struck by lightening or something else. At first they wouldn't listen until they saw the sky. We all started piling back into the train car, I was feeling nervous again so I gave my ex another hug and told him that I didn't know what to do, he told me to sit down and calm down as he sat across from me. Everything got dark and quiet and there were flashes of light; I looked over at him and told him "I told you so", but he just smiled at me. The wind started to pick up again and water started to pour into the subway car, for some reason we couldn't get out because of the pressure and it felt like something was pressing on the car. We looked at the adjacent train car and noticed that there was no water in it so we started banging on the doors and windows, but the people in the car didn't lift a finger to help us, they just kept staring blankly at us as if they had resigned themselves to something and lost all hope. We finally managed to pry open the door only to realize that the ceiling was coming down on them about to crush them all to death. For some reason we all thought that was worse then drowning so we stayed in our car that was quickly being over taken by large amounts of water. Some people started saying that we were trapped under a giant iceberg and that we should try and sit tight long enough for it to pass on. I made a joke about the film TITANIC to lighten the mood but it wasn't helpful and no one even heard it. A few guys got out of the car some how but then we saw them disintegrate behind the glass and we some how knew that they had died. Things started happening faster and faster, I was scared and confused, I looked over at my ex for comfort and understanding but he slowly started to disappear like a broken hologram flickering and fading out. I looked away for a second and when I looked back he had disappeared all together. The water had finally filled the car and we all started going under, I couldn't breathe, I realized I was drowning and I had no control over it, my chest felt like it was going to explode...I woke up thinking it was real and actually gasping for air.
Dreams are said to be born from entities that are living within the bottomless pit of your subconscious, but really where in the f*#k did this come from. I spent yesterday (Labor Day) with two friends gallivanting around Greenpoint drinking milkshakes, playing Frisbee, searching for crossword puzzles, and watching an old horror film about an adult baby. Right before we went to play Frisbee we found a hurt pigeon that was dragging on the ground and couldn't get up so we did everything we could to try and help it, but it dragged itself under a car and in the end we were unsuccessful. We all felt the weight of the sad helpless bird on our shoulders, knowing that it would probably die and there was nothing that any of us could do about it. Before I knew it I was in the park playing Frisbee and having fun so I must have managed to quickly shove it far back into the dark stacks in the library of my mind. This lost and lonely thought of a helpless creature approaching an untimely death might have manifested some unknown seed of fear and regret that branched out into a tree standing amidst a barren dream-scape as I slept. Naaah that can't be it, I think it was probably the chocolate cake I ate while watching a Michael Haneke film right before I fell asleep.
DEDICATED TO THE MEMORY OF MISTER OR MISS PIGEON